Story Share Sunday: The 5 Year Part 2

Read part one here.

I felt like I was losing him, that I needed to assert myself to make sure he remembered I was his girl. We had been together for almost 5 years, he had to remember that and all of our moments. I started down the lovey dovey path. I made him videos with all of our cute pictures. I stopped by his work as much as possible and dropped off his favorite food. I started to befriend any coworker I could, make sure they all knew who I was and that I was a good girl friend. I even went to the point of hanging out with her. Twice we hung out as a group, we didn’t really talk much but I was there. I made points to kiss my ex on cue. Hold his hand as much as I could. Just make sure she knew he was taken.

It didn’t make a difference.

We went fishing together one day, just the two of us and I asked to use his phone for a second. I knew what I was doing. Lately he had been making it a point to hide his phone and delete texts. This time I asked to use it to look up something online. We were having a fine day and he was not even thinking about what I was going to do. He handed it to me and he cast his line. I opened the messages.

Midnight the messages started. She said she was drinking wine. She said he should come over. She was all alone.

He replied he wanted to. He replied he should bring some beer.

She replied that she was cold.

He replied he wanted to warm her up.

I was done. My heart was crushed. I felt like I wanted to vomit. But I went on acting like nothing was wrong. Yet again my brain said there was no definitive evidence he was cheating. Was it inappropriate, yes, but was there much else, sadly no.

This was the beginning of the end. My fear turned me into this jealous beast that couldn’t let go of the fact something was going on. We had so many talks. So many talks. I don’t even remember how many late nights we had sitting around just talking about it.

In the start of summer he was asking me what type of engagement ring I wanted one day and moving in together. By the end we were hardly talking and he was acting so shady. Nights we were supposed to hang out he was gone. He didn’t answer his phone until the next day. I had learned that he had been going up to his friend’s apartment which was a party house. What he withheld from me was that every time he took her.

I found out through comments on facebook, which he shortly deleted. I confronted him again. He proceeded to write me a love letter, saying that he will always be mine, that she means nothing, she is out of the picture.

I believed it. My heart was his. For 5 years we had been together. He had been all that I had ever known and his word meant something to me. A life without him seemed impossible. My mind couldn’t even imagine it. It was him, and it was always going to be him.

He turned the talks into making me look crazy. That I was just the psychotic jealous girl friend. I started to believe it. I truly believed that I was turning into a monster and was pushing him away. Because of this I stopped bringing any of it up. I went on like normal. I tried to contain my feelings the best I could.

In the very beginning of the school year he came over after class. I had stopped by his car and dropped him off some food. I knew he would be hungry, and I didn’t want him to be hungry. I was trying. I was trying my hardest to act normal, to calm down my jealous ways, to move on like the summer had never happened.

part 2

He came over.

We went into my room.

He was quiet.

I looked at him.

He looked away.

He stood up and I went over to kiss him.

He pulled away.

I asked what was wrong.

He said he didn’t romantically love me anymore.

I pulled away. I said oh. I said let’s talk about it. We could fix this.

We went over to the park and just sat there talking for 4 hours. I said if he needed time to think that would be okay. I said that he could leave if he came back. I said if he needed time to figure out his mind it would be okay.

He said he loved me. He said he didn’t know what he wanted. He said he needed time. I gave him the weekend. I said lets talk on Sunday.

I didn’t realize he was literally not going to say a word to me until Sunday, 6 days away. And I promised him I wouldn’t say anything to him, not unless he messaged me first. Every day I stared at my phone, hoping, praying I would see a message from him. I waited and waited. Nothing.

My aunt came down that weekend just because, and Saturday night we went out to dinner. She asked about him. He was a part of the family by this point. I didn’t respond. My mother pulled her aside and told her what was going on. The entire time I went to my mother, leaving out some parts because I didn’t want her to judge me. She knew he was being unfaithful but didn’t have the strength to tell me. It was best for me to figure it out for myself. Plus I didn’t want to hear those words. I didn’t want to think of a future without him.

The restaurant was right next to his work. We walked in, my eyes stayed focus on the doors of his work. His car was there. Her car was parked right next to his. I knew she was there. I knew in those moments that when I was weak and crumbling he was having the time of his life.

I messaged him Sunday morning, since he never did. We decided to meet at the park again. I got dressed to the nines, making sure he knew what he was losing, and I left. I knew it was over. I drove to that park fueled with anger. The lack of response showed he knew it was over as well.

We walked up the hill and sat on the benches. He sat on one end and I on the other. He looked down the entire time. He never had the courage to say that he was breaking up with me. Instead he spewed lies and said that he was scared to be with me because I was so fragile. Because of my MEDICAL conditions he was leaving me. He was afraid to touch me anymore. That I was too sick and it was impairing his quality of life. That he couldn’t truly live with me in his life. That he wanted to have fun and not worry about what would happen to me.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said did you screw her yet?

He shuddered. He looked away and mumbled no.

I told him I’m not stupid. I told him I know what’s going on. I told him that I hope his decisions make him happy and that he can live with himself. I said after 5 years some girl that whored herself around work, who is also 2 years younger than you and underage is what you picked. That you chose her over me, and that you are no man. I didn’t spit what I wanted to at him. I just said I hope he was happy, and I picked myself up and walked away.

He stayed at the bench, and as I walked to my car I never looked back. I got in my car and drove away, knowing my entire life would come to a crashing halt.

Story Share Saturday: The 5 Year Part One

Starting this week I decided to start days where I write on a certain topic to my make my blog flow a little better. The current schedule will be:

  • Truthful Tuesdays
  • Wisdom Wednesdays
  • Therapy Thursdays
  • Story Share Saturday/Sunday

So welcome to my first Story Share Saturday!part one

When you are young and vulnerable it seems that sometimes only love could take you away. The premise of falling in love seems to make all the struggle disappear.

I was 15 and just entering the high school era that would be filled with all new experiences. Over that summer my remaining friends either betrayed me and left me behind, or were no longer going to public school. So starting out the year I had no one and it broke my heart. I was again a loner with no one to turn to. I fit into the group that no one else wanted, and even then wasn’t exactly wanted there either. When the opportunity came up to hang out with all my old friends I jumped, that would be the time to rekindle the close bonds we had lost over months of lack of communication.

I met my old best friend at the food court at the local mall, there we met up with some of my other friends but also new people who had taken my place for all of them. I was laughing and having a good time. It was just like the old days of running around being kids. Not a care in the world.

It’s there where I met him. My friend introduced me in of all places Hot Topic. He was goofy but seemed like a bad boy. His fro was out of this world and his smile was intoxicating. No one had looked at me like that ever. The entire night we chatted and hung close to each other. I was oblivious to the flirting, but he got my number and the rest was history.

We would text each other constantly. He was all I could think about. My 15 year old mind was overjoyed. Although he didn’t go to my school we still were able to hang out on weekends. A few weeks into knowing him I asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend. I was 15, headstrong, and naive. He said yes and the rest was history.

I was with him for 5 years. We grew up together in pivotal times in both of our lives. I was struggling at home with my medical problems and father drama, but he was my freedom. He was the one that kept me going. He was always there for me no matter what. He eventually turned into the only person I had. The friends at school left me, the home life was silent, and I was all alone. But in my mind I had him.

Eventually we both lost our v-cards together and became each others best friend. I was happy with only having him. It seemed right, and it seemed that my love story would have a happy ending. We talked about getting married, moving in together, maybe even one day starting a family. We vacationed together. We explored together. We did everything together. When I was diagnosed with POTS he was there. When I couldn’t talk because it hurt too much he would bear with me. When I was going to be put under for testing he would send me flowers and teddy bears. He genuinely seemed to care.

By the time my step-father had left he had been there through my court battles, medical struggles and continuing diagnosis, being home schooled, and being completely bedridden for 6 months. We started college together, sadly at different universities but still within driving distance. We had started the relationship seeing each other once a weekend, then maybe a few times a week once he drove, then almost every day when I drove. So with the different universities I saw no trouble.

By the time we both completed freshman year he was able to transfer to my school, which I thought would be the best thing ever. He also had gotten a new job over that Christmas, which meant he had new people at work that I didn’t know. Slowly I met everyone but was kept on the outskirts. They were much older anyways since it was an auto-parts store. By the time summer rolled around things were going to change. There was a new girl. She stayed away from me, but hung out with everyone else there. She knew I was his girl. She saw me there. I had ruled her out as nothing after discussing my fears with him. He understood and told me not to worry, they were just friends.

As the summer started I could see him pulling away. My fear was that he was with her, though I had no proof. I voiced my concerns as much as possible. Voiced my concerns over his work schedule that was increasing and increasing by his own choice. By midsummer he got so angry at me that he refused to talk to me for a week. He was struggling with his own family and the after effects of a nasty divorce. I let him have that time to cool down, I knew if I said any more it would just push him away. I thought he occupied himself with work, I was wrong.

Once the communication lines were reopened we were back to normal. I looked the other way as it it had never happened. Everything was fine. Everything was going to be okay again.

Then one day he left his phone out. I went to go take a selfie to make his new background, and there it was. The chain of messages. I knew I shouldn’t have looked, that it was his phone and his privacy, but it was also my heart and my feelings.

I read them. Every single message in the chain.

For the entire week he had confided in her. The chain included many many days where they were hanging out, doing who knows what. There were questionable messages but still again, no definitive evidence. My mind shut it out, my mind still told me it was okay. It broke my heart that he was talking to her and not me though and that couldn’t be ignored. I again voiced my fears with him. He again told me not to worry. She was just a friend.

Just a friend. Always just a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Blur

blur

Most days it feels as if the world is whirling around me and I am standing still. In slow motion, I watch the colors blur; people and faces all become a massive wash.-Sarah Kay

For this weeks challenge, Blur I went back into a trip I took years earlier. This picture was taken when I visited Pompeii in Italy. On our tour we visited the local brothel that had images on the wall of different positions so that when costumers didn’t speak the language they could just point to what they wanted. Since Pompeii was a hub before it was destroyed by the volcanic eruption, having universal paintings for what exactly you wanted was crucial. It got rid of the language barrier in a sense. The downside of going inside the brothel was that the lighting was completely gone except for a few modern hanging features to make the paintings more visible. Because of this most of my shots were blurred but this one turned out blurred in a beautiful fashion. The edges seem smooth with the background slightly intact.

Picking Up The Pieces

She always taught me how to pick up the pieces. She always taught me to be strong, that nothing can ever stop you. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

And she was right, and forever will be right.

My mother did not crumble after the so called love of her life left her, instead she composed herself. She picked herself up and became unstoppable. She moved forward with her life and showed me that no person can bring you down. They can rip away everything from you, tear your heart out and walk all over it, but what comes in the aftermath is up to you. You can either let them win and be defeated, or you can show them that you in fact did not ever need them. The best revenge is happiness.

It took her a few months but she bounced right back. For the first time in her life she could truly say she was free. This meant a lot to her in many ways. She was free to live how she wanted, not worrying about upsetting him. She was free from an abusive relationship, both my father and my step-dad. Her entire life she had, had toxic men but for once they were all finally gone. There was no one there to intrude on her when she was weak. She was ready to be the woman she was truly meant to be. She could blossom. She now had all the power in her hands. The world could be her oyster, as cheesy as that sounds, it was true. The limitations were gone and a woman could finally come into her own.

Sure she cried. For months I would hear her weeping in her room next door. She lost weight, as any person would going through a time of extreme stress and suffering. But as the months passed she became stronger and stronger. I could see the light coming back to her eyes, I could see my mother coming back to me.

When the cancer treatments were finally over and she was in the clear she found herself a job. She put herself out for the very first time in her life for dating. She signed up for multiple dating websites and took herself out. She said yes she could. She didn’t care. She had never had this before in her life. It was all new and for her it was all so exciting. She wasn’t looking for the next permanent relationship, she was looking to have fun. Forever the men in her life strangled the life out of her. She couldn’t go anywhere or do anything. She was stuck, but not anymore. Sure, were there a lot of busts, yes but it didn’t get to her. It was her time to learn and her time to explore. But most importantly live again.

Over these past 4 years since he left I have seen her turn into a completely different woman. She is care free and putting her happiness above anything else that’s trivial. She has learned to manage the stress of everyday life and make sure what she does is exactly what she wants to do. There is no living for another anymore, it is her heart and she plans to keep it in tact.

reborn

What I have learned from her is that no person should ever control you, and no matter what the emotional grips they have over you, you are your own person. Even when they walk away it is not the end of the world. This is a time for you to be reborn and carry on with your life. No person is worth being miserable over, especially when they have intent to hurt you. You are better than that and deserve better than that. Sometimes you need to be ripped away from your comfort zone to realize your potential. My mother was comfortable in this abusive cycle, not looking outward to see what her life could be. Then when he left and made that first decision it enabled her to push forward, to see that there is life outside of this horridness. It might have been an extreme situation but she picked herself up and is happier today because of it.

I ask her sometimes if she ever thinks about him, or misses him. She always responds with him leaving was the best thing to ever have happen to her. She doesn’t hate him, she doesn’t love him still either. She feels nothing towards this man, because he deserves nothing else from her. He took a good portion of her life and she was ready to move on.

Her life is now her own and she has learned to find healthy relationships. She is currently with the sweetest man who just enjoys her company. They have been together for a year and a half. I truly and honestly couldn’t be happier for her. She deserves to be treated right and live a life of freedom, free of abuse.

Seeing her bloom has been the most beautiful gift, and has taught me so many life lessons. She will forever be my role model.

Because You Are a Liar and a Cheat.

He was gone. Out of the house, and with hope out of our lives. But my mother knew all too well that he would be back, and when he came back he wanted the house.

For a few weeks my step-dad was gone, completely out of contact with anyone. He had told my mother he was leaving, packed some things, and left. They had been together for 15 years and just like that he was gone.

I went on to graduate high school, on time might I add, which was a huge achievement. He had been with me throughout my journey whether he liked it or not, and when this beyond important date finally came he was not present. He had vanished just like that. One minute we were bonding over life and the next he had moved on. Deemed us no longer worthy to be in his life, just like that, with a snap of his fingers.

When he came back he forced my mother into a corner, either get out of the house or pay him what he owned. His name was on the title, making him the half owner of the house even though my mother first purchased the house and paid it on her own for 3 years. My mother, still going through cancer treatments, decided she would just pay him off. What choice did she have? She wasn’t going to let him take everything and get away with it.

He was stubborn. Not for a million years did he think she would settle, and he came at her with everything saying that he owned more than he did. He argued over the money for months. My mother had to take out a loan in order to pay him back, and days before the closing fee was due he backed out. He said he refused to pay his part, so to get rid of him my mother paid his fee. All of this just to stay in our house, the only house I have ever known. Why did he do this, oh for the money of course. Part of this property he owned, and with that came money, even if it was a trivial amount.

Later he came and took the rest of his things. His brother helped him move the stuff out, the brother that was closer to my mother than my step-dad. They took meaningless things, but it was still the act of coming into our house and removing items that I have grown up with. It was like I was reliving what I did years before with my father. I was losing memories, even if they were held in material items.

My mother stood stoic on the front lawn as they removed piece after piece. I followed them around the house to make sure they weren’t taking things they weren’t supposed to. After the truck was loaded up they were gone.

That was the last time I ever saw him or spoke to him.

So why did he do all of this? Why did he rip a family apart? His reasoning was because he was finding himself, that this journey he was going through did not include us. He was adopted as an infant and grew up with these feeling of abandonment, then he had two children it turns out he didn’t want and in turn practically abandoned. These feelings are what he blamed for leaving. He added that he couldn’t handle our medical problems, that it was just too hard for him. So he left.

My mother did more for that man than he ever deserved. He never opened up to her except in the end when he was looking for a scapegoat. My mother raised his children, fought battle after battle for him to have better custody, told him what to say to have a real bond with his children, paid for everything and anything all on her own even though she too was sick and struggling. She did all of that for him, so that he could have a good relationship with them. Well it turns out they were both mistakes that he never wanted.

My mother’s last name revolves around Valentine’s day and she was born only 3 days after the holiday, so pretty much Valentine’s day was her day. In all 15 years he never once took her out or bought her a present. He viewed it as meaningless which meant he could care less. He viewed every holiday as meaningless. For Christmas my mother would go out and buy his children gifts so that they had something to open from their father. My mother did everything for him. In his weakest moments she was there to pick up the pieces. Well it turns out it was all for nothing.When the pressure was on him he couldn’t handle being a real man. He was a coward all along.

He was cheating. All along it was another woman. All the lies that came out of his mouth were to cover his own ass to make him feel better. Apparently saying that you’re leaving because you need to find yourself makes the guilt less than saying what is really going on. Apparently that makes it all okay.

The moment we knew was when he accidentally sent a check (which was so small that it didn’t make sense, years later we figured out it might have been him sending money for the closing fee?) with his address on it. An address we looked up, which was owned by a woman, a woman who went to the same yoga studio as him, a woman he had wrote about in his yoga journal. She was younger than him, had her own house, and was on this spiritual journey. Just like he “was”. She was living the lifestyle he wanted, and unknown to us they ended up together.

Both my mother and I drive by the house often since it is on a main road going to the local hub of the area. His ancient car sits in the driveway. The man that refused to buy anything found a new host to mooch off of. His charm is never ending and clearly she was as easily fooled as my mother.

liar

What he does is mooch off of people. He has this innate desire to save, save, save. For what? We will never know. At this point he would have close or over a million dollars. Yet he has nothing to his name. He has a car that is falling apart, no property to call his own, no relationship with his only family, and no interest in marriage or anything.. He essentially has nothing. But yet he must think he has everything. He gets to live in another house, pay nothing, live the lifestyle he wants, and pretty much get away with murder.

He left us. He abandoned us. A ran running away from his own turmoil with abandonment went and left his closest family. And he didn’t even care. He had a family that loved him and was working with him. Sure it needed some serious help but when something is worth it you never give up. And you never leave when he did with my mother still battling cancer and me struggling to get out of bed every day.

The day he removed his things was the last time we heard from him. He has never contacted my mother. Contacting me would be a joke, I wasn’t even on his radar to begin with. That was 4 years ago and I have no doubt for the rest of our lives we will never hear from him again.

And at the exact same time I don’t care. To me he is nothing more than a liar and a cheat.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Ephemeral

ephemeral

“So much of what we do is ephemeral and quickly forgotten, even by ourselves, so it’s gratifying to have something you have done linger in people’s memories.” –John Williams

For this weeks challenge, Ephemeral I decided to dig into my archives and resurface an image I took a while ago with someone who will never return to my life. The moment that seemed to last forever was gone in such a short amount of time. These ephemeral moments make you appreciate what you have in that very second. The future can wait if only for a little longer.