Weekly Photo Challenge: Afloat

afloat

“Reverie is when ideas float in our mind without reflection or regard of the understanding”. –John Locke

For this weeks photo challenge Afloat I went with my go to item to photograph, lily pads. This picture always takes me back to walking around and marveling at all the beautiful blooming lily pads, then right next to the flowering beauties were these massive lily pads, easy 3 or 4 feet across. They might have not had any flower to bloom but the way they floated on top of the water made it almost more beautiful than any blooming flower. They did not draw your attention immediately but when you started to truly look you could see how wonderful they were.

Truthful Tuesday: Moving On

Welcome to my first Truthful Tuesday, where I dedicate my post to telling the truth. I hope some of these truths can bring better perspective to aspects of yourself.

The truth is…

Writing this weekend’s story shares was one of the most emotional experiences I have faced with this blog so far. For me the breakup with the 5-year was a story that needed to be told before I can go further in many of my postings. I feel as if readers need a better background to understand where my blog is going. But for me personally it was so emotionally draining that it took me multiple attempts to write it. Going through detail after detail wracked my brain so hard that after about 5 minutes of writing I had to take a break. The knot in my stomach was growing each time I went back, but in my mind this post needed to be put out there.

After I had completed them and posted them I went back to read them one more time. Those two blogs are two I am extremely proud of. I feel as if writing them was very therapeutic for me. I see myself as a strong individual, that forcefully gets over things quickly mostly by blocking them out, but these posts made me remember and with that came pain. But with the pain came further healing.

It has been a few years since this all happened and I have dealt with most of the grief but writing these posts brought up more than I was expecting. I see it all as a good thing though. I see it as progress.

The truth is….

2 days after he left he changed his Facebook status to in a relationship with her and started posting pictures of everything they were doing together. After he left I lost about 20lbs in 13 days. I didn’t eat. All I did was sleep. I only dragged myself to some of my classes, ending up with low grades that semester. I was falling apart day by day and nothing could help me. I ended up in the hospital multiple times with severe chest pains, which I now attribute to dehydration and mainly heart break. I had no one in my life to talk to other than my mother, and she was being stubborn with trying to wipe him out of my memory. I needed my own time to heal and gather my thoughts. Icouldn’t be forced to move forward by anyone.

The truth is…

Moving on is the hardest, most grueling process you will ever know or face. For some moving on isn’t an option, for others it is not needed. Some may need days, other years, or others yet who need lifetimes. Eventually though through own self perseverance and strength I believe everyone has it in them to move on.

The most important part to starting this process is realizing that you are somebody. That no matter what, that person didn’t take you. You always had you. You might have been with them, changed who you seem to be, but when they leave you are still you. You might be bruised and broken, and shattered into a thousand pieces, but piece by piece you can rebuild yourself.healing

It took almost 2 years for me to get to where I am now. I am over him and what he did to me. I have grown significantly in the time since he has left. I am finally able to say I am proud of myself for standing on my own, for figuring out who I really am as a person, not who I was with him.

It takes time, serious, hard, time. But one day you will come out the other side better than you ever expected.

Story Share Sunday: The 5 Year Part 2

Read part one here.

I felt like I was losing him, that I needed to assert myself to make sure he remembered I was his girl. We had been together for almost 5 years, he had to remember that and all of our moments. I started down the lovey dovey path. I made him videos with all of our cute pictures. I stopped by his work as much as possible and dropped off his favorite food. I started to befriend any coworker I could, make sure they all knew who I was and that I was a good girl friend. I even went to the point of hanging out with her. Twice we hung out as a group, we didn’t really talk much but I was there. I made points to kiss my ex on cue. Hold his hand as much as I could. Just make sure she knew he was taken.

It didn’t make a difference.

We went fishing together one day, just the two of us and I asked to use his phone for a second. I knew what I was doing. Lately he had been making it a point to hide his phone and delete texts. This time I asked to use it to look up something online. We were having a fine day and he was not even thinking about what I was going to do. He handed it to me and he cast his line. I opened the messages.

Midnight the messages started. She said she was drinking wine. She said he should come over. She was all alone.

He replied he wanted to. He replied he should bring some beer.

She replied that she was cold.

He replied he wanted to warm her up.

I was done. My heart was crushed. I felt like I wanted to vomit. But I went on acting like nothing was wrong. Yet again my brain said there was no definitive evidence he was cheating. Was it inappropriate, yes, but was there much else, sadly no.

This was the beginning of the end. My fear turned me into this jealous beast that couldn’t let go of the fact something was going on. We had so many talks. So many talks. I don’t even remember how many late nights we had sitting around just talking about it.

In the start of summer he was asking me what type of engagement ring I wanted one day and moving in together. By the end we were hardly talking and he was acting so shady. Nights we were supposed to hang out he was gone. He didn’t answer his phone until the next day. I had learned that he had been going up to his friend’s apartment which was a party house. What he withheld from me was that every time he took her.

I found out through comments on facebook, which he shortly deleted. I confronted him again. He proceeded to write me a love letter, saying that he will always be mine, that she means nothing, she is out of the picture.

I believed it. My heart was his. For 5 years we had been together. He had been all that I had ever known and his word meant something to me. A life without him seemed impossible. My mind couldn’t even imagine it. It was him, and it was always going to be him.

He turned the talks into making me look crazy. That I was just the psychotic jealous girl friend. I started to believe it. I truly believed that I was turning into a monster and was pushing him away. Because of this I stopped bringing any of it up. I went on like normal. I tried to contain my feelings the best I could.

In the very beginning of the school year he came over after class. I had stopped by his car and dropped him off some food. I knew he would be hungry, and I didn’t want him to be hungry. I was trying. I was trying my hardest to act normal, to calm down my jealous ways, to move on like the summer had never happened.

part 2

He came over.

We went into my room.

He was quiet.

I looked at him.

He looked away.

He stood up and I went over to kiss him.

He pulled away.

I asked what was wrong.

He said he didn’t romantically love me anymore.

I pulled away. I said oh. I said let’s talk about it. We could fix this.

We went over to the park and just sat there talking for 4 hours. I said if he needed time to think that would be okay. I said that he could leave if he came back. I said if he needed time to figure out his mind it would be okay.

He said he loved me. He said he didn’t know what he wanted. He said he needed time. I gave him the weekend. I said lets talk on Sunday.

I didn’t realize he was literally not going to say a word to me until Sunday, 6 days away. And I promised him I wouldn’t say anything to him, not unless he messaged me first. Every day I stared at my phone, hoping, praying I would see a message from him. I waited and waited. Nothing.

My aunt came down that weekend just because, and Saturday night we went out to dinner. She asked about him. He was a part of the family by this point. I didn’t respond. My mother pulled her aside and told her what was going on. The entire time I went to my mother, leaving out some parts because I didn’t want her to judge me. She knew he was being unfaithful but didn’t have the strength to tell me. It was best for me to figure it out for myself. Plus I didn’t want to hear those words. I didn’t want to think of a future without him.

The restaurant was right next to his work. We walked in, my eyes stayed focus on the doors of his work. His car was there. Her car was parked right next to his. I knew she was there. I knew in those moments that when I was weak and crumbling he was having the time of his life.

I messaged him Sunday morning, since he never did. We decided to meet at the park again. I got dressed to the nines, making sure he knew what he was losing, and I left. I knew it was over. I drove to that park fueled with anger. The lack of response showed he knew it was over as well.

We walked up the hill and sat on the benches. He sat on one end and I on the other. He looked down the entire time. He never had the courage to say that he was breaking up with me. Instead he spewed lies and said that he was scared to be with me because I was so fragile. Because of my MEDICAL conditions he was leaving me. He was afraid to touch me anymore. That I was too sick and it was impairing his quality of life. That he couldn’t truly live with me in his life. That he wanted to have fun and not worry about what would happen to me.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said did you screw her yet?

He shuddered. He looked away and mumbled no.

I told him I’m not stupid. I told him I know what’s going on. I told him that I hope his decisions make him happy and that he can live with himself. I said after 5 years some girl that whored herself around work, who is also 2 years younger than you and underage is what you picked. That you chose her over me, and that you are no man. I didn’t spit what I wanted to at him. I just said I hope he was happy, and I picked myself up and walked away.

He stayed at the bench, and as I walked to my car I never looked back. I got in my car and drove away, knowing my entire life would come to a crashing halt.

Story Share Saturday: The 5 Year Part One

Starting this week I decided to start days where I write on a certain topic to my make my blog flow a little better. The current schedule will be:

  • Truthful Tuesdays
  • Wisdom Wednesdays
  • Therapy Thursdays
  • Story Share Saturday/Sunday

So welcome to my first Story Share Saturday!part one

When you are young and vulnerable it seems that sometimes only love could take you away. The premise of falling in love seems to make all the struggle disappear.

I was 15 and just entering the high school era that would be filled with all new experiences. Over that summer my remaining friends either betrayed me and left me behind, or were no longer going to public school. So starting out the year I had no one and it broke my heart. I was again a loner with no one to turn to. I fit into the group that no one else wanted, and even then wasn’t exactly wanted there either. When the opportunity came up to hang out with all my old friends I jumped, that would be the time to rekindle the close bonds we had lost over months of lack of communication.

I met my old best friend at the food court at the local mall, there we met up with some of my other friends but also new people who had taken my place for all of them. I was laughing and having a good time. It was just like the old days of running around being kids. Not a care in the world.

It’s there where I met him. My friend introduced me in of all places Hot Topic. He was goofy but seemed like a bad boy. His fro was out of this world and his smile was intoxicating. No one had looked at me like that ever. The entire night we chatted and hung close to each other. I was oblivious to the flirting, but he got my number and the rest was history.

We would text each other constantly. He was all I could think about. My 15 year old mind was overjoyed. Although he didn’t go to my school we still were able to hang out on weekends. A few weeks into knowing him I asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend. I was 15, headstrong, and naive. He said yes and the rest was history.

I was with him for 5 years. We grew up together in pivotal times in both of our lives. I was struggling at home with my medical problems and father drama, but he was my freedom. He was the one that kept me going. He was always there for me no matter what. He eventually turned into the only person I had. The friends at school left me, the home life was silent, and I was all alone. But in my mind I had him.

Eventually we both lost our v-cards together and became each others best friend. I was happy with only having him. It seemed right, and it seemed that my love story would have a happy ending. We talked about getting married, moving in together, maybe even one day starting a family. We vacationed together. We explored together. We did everything together. When I was diagnosed with POTS he was there. When I couldn’t talk because it hurt too much he would bear with me. When I was going to be put under for testing he would send me flowers and teddy bears. He genuinely seemed to care.

By the time my step-father had left he had been there through my court battles, medical struggles and continuing diagnosis, being home schooled, and being completely bedridden for 6 months. We started college together, sadly at different universities but still within driving distance. We had started the relationship seeing each other once a weekend, then maybe a few times a week once he drove, then almost every day when I drove. So with the different universities I saw no trouble.

By the time we both completed freshman year he was able to transfer to my school, which I thought would be the best thing ever. He also had gotten a new job over that Christmas, which meant he had new people at work that I didn’t know. Slowly I met everyone but was kept on the outskirts. They were much older anyways since it was an auto-parts store. By the time summer rolled around things were going to change. There was a new girl. She stayed away from me, but hung out with everyone else there. She knew I was his girl. She saw me there. I had ruled her out as nothing after discussing my fears with him. He understood and told me not to worry, they were just friends.

As the summer started I could see him pulling away. My fear was that he was with her, though I had no proof. I voiced my concerns as much as possible. Voiced my concerns over his work schedule that was increasing and increasing by his own choice. By midsummer he got so angry at me that he refused to talk to me for a week. He was struggling with his own family and the after effects of a nasty divorce. I let him have that time to cool down, I knew if I said any more it would just push him away. I thought he occupied himself with work, I was wrong.

Once the communication lines were reopened we were back to normal. I looked the other way as it it had never happened. Everything was fine. Everything was going to be okay again.

Then one day he left his phone out. I went to go take a selfie to make his new background, and there it was. The chain of messages. I knew I shouldn’t have looked, that it was his phone and his privacy, but it was also my heart and my feelings.

I read them. Every single message in the chain.

For the entire week he had confided in her. The chain included many many days where they were hanging out, doing who knows what. There were questionable messages but still again, no definitive evidence. My mind shut it out, my mind still told me it was okay. It broke my heart that he was talking to her and not me though and that couldn’t be ignored. I again voiced my fears with him. He again told me not to worry. She was just a friend.

Just a friend. Always just a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Blur

blur

Most days it feels as if the world is whirling around me and I am standing still. In slow motion, I watch the colors blur; people and faces all become a massive wash.-Sarah Kay

For this weeks challenge, Blur I went back into a trip I took years earlier. This picture was taken when I visited Pompeii in Italy. On our tour we visited the local brothel that had images on the wall of different positions so that when costumers didn’t speak the language they could just point to what they wanted. Since Pompeii was a hub before it was destroyed by the volcanic eruption, having universal paintings for what exactly you wanted was crucial. It got rid of the language barrier in a sense. The downside of going inside the brothel was that the lighting was completely gone except for a few modern hanging features to make the paintings more visible. Because of this most of my shots were blurred but this one turned out blurred in a beautiful fashion. The edges seem smooth with the background slightly intact.